What Sucks...Happy Memorial Day Weekend

What Sucks...will be back Tuesday May 27th, with all new stuff that sucks.

Have a great weekend and try not to barbeque your privates!

What Sucks…Spiderman 3

Sponsored by Netflix- Netflx I wouldn’t know how bad this thing sucked, if it weren’t for Netflix!


So it's Memorial Day Weekend and Indiana Jones is opening and I'm gonna try and see the summer's big movie but it got me to thinking...

Every once in a while there comes a long a movie that doesn’t get enough shit for sucking. Now, last summer is kind of a blur to me now- I know I wore a lot of pajamas and walked around Hoboken introducing myself as the Mayor of Rhythm and the Secretary of Blues, and I also know that this movie was a disappointment to most who saw it. But until I recently caught up with it on Netflix, I had no idea how much it sucked. It left me almost confused- confused enough to have some questions…like say 25 of them or so about how much of a piece of shit this thing was. Questions like… (COULD BE SPOILERS IN THERE BUT YOU’VE ALSO HAD 12 MONTHS TO SEE IT!)

Was there really a dance number in there?
And did it really take place an hour and forty-five minutes into the movie?
Did the movie really start off with a scene about Kirsten Dunst’s Broadway career?
Did someone say somewhere along in the development of the movie “Hey, we should really start this thing off with Spiderman fighting one of these bad guys. Seriously, we have a guy here who’s made of sand. We really should start this movie off with a Spiderman V. Sandguy fight.” and then someone else in the room say, “No, I think we need to start off with Kirsten Dunst singing. You know, the film should start with some info about her career on Broadway.” Is that how it went down?
How did that 2nd guy win that argument?
Was there really at least 20 to 25 minutes devoted to MJ’s (Kirsten Dunst) singing/ Broadway career?
Really?
Did that engagement scene really happen?
Did MJ and Harry make an omelet together and then dance to the Twist?
What radio station plays “The Twist”?
Was Spiderman 3 a romantic comedy?
Did they shoot other stuff about MJ’s career and then leave it on the cutting room floor?
Is there anything, ANYTHING that a fan of Spiderman could POSSIBLY care less than, than MJ’s career as an actress?
Did a black colored Spiderman suit really make Peter Parker change the style of his hair and act gay as he waked down the street?
Did filmmakers think that in a film that spent about a billion or so dollars on special effects, that combing Toby Maguire’s hair down in the front and putting him in a dark suit was going to be enough to show us all that he was now an “anti-Peter Parker”/ bad-ass?
Sorry, if I seem to be harping here but, in a film that centers on a guy who has webs that shoot out of his wrists and can swing around from building to building battling super-villains, was there REALLY a dance scene?
Do you really have a bad guy made out of sand and actually go as long as 40 minutes in the movie between scenes with him?
No one has a problem that Topher Grace calls himself “Topher”, as if that has EVER been an acceptable nickname for Christopher? Call that guy Chris Grace!
In the extended directors cut, does Harry Osborn just finally admit to Peter Parker that he is in love with him?
So there was a surprise regarding Peter’s uncle’s death? Really? We missed that in the first movie? I thought that was covered pretty well, turns out the guy with the bleach blonde hair WASN’T entirely responsible? What happens in Spiderman 4, we learn OJ was at the scene too?
In the city in which Spiderman lives, are crimes ever committed by minorities?
Is Peter Parker really trying to make MJ jealous by dating Bryce Dallas Howard? Hey Spidey- you want to make her jealous, try dating someone other than the only star in Hollywood who less hot than Kirsten Dunst!
Did we miss any storytelling clichés in this film? We had “amnesia”, the whole “I’m only a bad guy because my daughter is sick” thing, the “hero finally realizes he’s a jerk when he physically knocks his girlfriend to the ground” scene, as well as “you don’t know the full story of the death of your uncle” sequence and finally the “bad guy tells girl to break up with her boyfriend” section. The only thing in this movie that we DIDN’T see before “dance scene in super hero film”.
Why are Harry and Peter so into Mary Jane?
How many times are we going to hear the “with great power comes great responsibility”?

What Sucks…CNN

Why is this story buried? What city? Are there wild baboons running in my street? You f-er’s at CNN.com really need me to click on that link? How badly do you need your “uniques”? (Insider web-biz term!)

Yeah, McCain released his medical records- but for all I know there could be wild baboons running down Washington Street in Hoboken this morning! I hope they don’t bump into anyone just leaving a bar. (There are a lot of drinkers in Hoboken.)

What Sucks…A 4th Hour Of The Today Show

You know, at this blog, and in life, when it comes to morning TV shows, “The View” gets all the headlines for sucking. And, of course, rightfully so, but it was brought to my attention recently (at one of my many motivational speaking engagements) that “The Today Show” has added 4th hour AND it’s hosted by Kathy Lee Gifford (and someone named Hota Kotb.) Well, the network suckwars are on.

Wow. A 4th hour of the Today Show with Kathy Lee Gifford. That’s an effort for “View-like” suckage. Obviously, the first question that enters one’s mind is, why?

Why a 4th hour of the Today show? The gods of suck were more than happy with 3 hours. Actually, three hours was probably more than they thought they could ask for. 4 hours? I mean it’s an embarrassment of suck-riches. Then to bring Kathy Lee Gifford in to host? Seriously, what a shitstorm.

Now before I get too far along here let me say I have never seen any of the 4th hour of the Today Show hosted by Kathy Lee Gifford- nor would I ever watch it in a million years. How can I say that its existence is a major victory for the forces of suck? Because I have seen The Today Show and can only imagine what a 4th hour of that would be like, and then, I add Kathy Lee Gifford, in my mind, to that mess.

Who decided to throw this thing together? Who said- “Look, we can’t get anything going in this time slot so let’s do ANOTHER hour of the Today Show”? And then who ELSE said- “Only if we can get Kathy Lee Gifford.”?

The 4th hour of the Today Show is on Monday through Friday at 10 AM!

What Sucks…Facebook Is Way Off On “People I may know”

Who the hell does Facebook think I am? Why would they think I know convicted child killer Susan Smith? Do we have common friends? How is Ayman al-Zawahiri even on Facebook? And why would they think I know Nick Nolte?

Hey Facebook- you’re way off.

What Sucks News…Cougars Disavow Cougars

In a stunning announcement that has rocked both the scientific and entertainment communities, actual cougars, the fierce, stealth and powerful biological cousins of the lion and tiger, today, in an unprecedented move for an animal, released a written statement distancing themselves from “cougars”, the name commonly used to describe older women, usually in their 50’s and 60’s who date younger men.

“We have nothing to do with old women wanting to have sex with younger men. We are beautiful, graceful animals- descendants of the Saber-Toothed Tiger and the 4th biggest cat on the face of the earth. The term ‘Boy Toy’ is meaningless to us.”

The statement went on to read “Collectively, we resent the use of our name in this matter and ask that its use in describing women who chase men who are way too young for them, be terminated immediately.”

The release has created quite a buzz in the scientific community. Said one zoologist, “The fact that Cougars can organize themselves and release a statement- apparently read and write- is obviously very exciting to us, and was unknown up until this point.”

Animal experts speculate the cougars’ statement was precipitated by a recent flush of “cougar” related themes in popular culture. The examining of older women who are sexually involved with younger men has been the subject of numerous books, the topic of a few Oprah and Tyra shows and most recently the subject of a “Two And A Half Men” episode.

“Obviously, cougars had the gift of speech and have a previously unknown high level of intelligence. This recent influx of ‘old woman chasing and having sex with men who are young enough to be their sons’ trend clearly pushed them to the brink and they felt, collectively, it had become more important to defend their good name than to protect the secrecy surrounding their ability to write, and speak.”

The statement went on to say “Cougars stalk their prey, yes, but that prey is usually deer, elk and even at times, moose. Never do we engage in “tadpolling” and quite frankly, the thought of what that means, disgusts us. In conclusion, if you prefer ‘boinking’ an older woman who probably not only has kids but step-kids, over a young girl who’s breasts do not rest on her lap when she is sitting, we implore you, leave us out of it.”

What Sucks…Uncomfortable American Express Commercials Where Ellen Clearly Wants To Nail Beyonce

Hey Ellen, keep it in your pants, will ya? We get it- you want to nail Beyonce. Jeezus. Is this an ad for a credit card or for the importance of restraining orders? The guy stalking Uma Thurman was less obvious.

How uncomfortable. Check out the way Beyonce’s assistant shuffles her away from Ellen- then think- it’s a commercial! This thing was filmed and still Beyonce’s team had to get her the hell out of there. I heard in the extended version of this thing we see Ellen just writing “Ellen Knowles” in script, over and over again.

Take the hint, Ellen she’s not interested- she’s with Jay Z. She didn’t even leave you tickets- you had to get them with your credit card- that means you basically had to buy them like everyone else. Then when she sees you backstage at the concert, she blows you off again! Ellen, Beyonce is just not that into you!

What Sucks…Tattoos On Women: A What Sucks Word Of Caution

Women, look, I understand its cool- sometimes sexy- you get a tattoo- you’re a rebel- an outlaw- but please, be careful. Remember, you age!

I saw a woman the other night in a bar – I’m not pretending to know her life- it just appeared to me that once upon a time, when she was 19 or 20, she thought it would be fun to get a tattoo of a butterfly on her boob, now…

…It’s a pterodactyl.

Heartbreaking. No one should have to walk into a room and hear “Hey, nice Condor!”

Don’t take it from me though- look at this letter I received. (click to enlarge)



So please, heed my warning. Or don't. Go ahead and get a tattoo of a rose on the top of your boob.



Just don't come to me 10 years later when people ask you if you've been shot.

Could be you.

What Sucks…Quick Hits : Stuff I’ve Missed From This Week And Last

…David Blaine

How far away from what this guy does is completive eating? Seriously, why does he get the hot chicks and the dude who eats 40 hot dogs in 45 seconds get to go home to his Japanese wife?



…Miley Cyrus “Uproar”

We’re still freaking out about this? Next time can we wait till we see boob? It’s just her back, when did we become the Amish?



…The Supreme Court

Nice job with the Indiana voter ID thing- way to make it harder for poor people to vote. Barack only lost by a couple of percentage points, right? Would the no ID thing have made a difference? No one can really say, right? I hope you live in the area where Hillary runs her commercials for the next month, you bunch of a-holes.



…Polar Bears Being Protected

Great move. Seriously, I’m sure they would do the same for us. Here are a few quick facts about Polar Bears.

- They will kill you on their way to fuck up a seal.

Seriously, great idea- we were just about to eliminate these fuckers who are twice the size of lions, can swim like sharks (have been seen 60 miles off shore in the Arctic) and can smell things from a mile away.



…Training Day

Sorry- saw this the other day on cable- (spoiler alert) and- are you shitting me? Ethan Hawke beats up Denzel Washington at the end? No one bitched about this at the time? The only thing Ethan Hawke can kick Denzel’s ass at is being effeminate.

What Sucks…Airlines: UPDATED!

WTF is going on with airlines? Every time you read about one, they’re going broke, the service sucks, they’re constantly late, the ride is “the guy in front of me’s head resting on my junk” cramped and now they’re making dudes sit in the bathroom for a cross country trips.



Nasty, nasty, NASTY. I don’t even want to go into the bathroom on an airplane when I have to go. Seriously, debate occurs in my mind about which will be more pleasant- pantsing it up poo-poo style, or going into that stinky, smelly, germ-Woodstock at the back of the plane. Sure, I end up getting up, but these decisions aren’t the “no-brainers” you think they are.

Airlines suck. Big time. The fact that they’re all going bankrupt pisses me off too. How can these a-holes not be making any money? You sell seats in a machine that flies! How could you lose money on selling miracles? Shame on you!

Think about it, we’ve all had horrible experiences on flights, but short of crashing, I bet someone can always beat your “shitty flying experience” story.

Once I was stuck on a runway for 4 hours…

…oh really, you can beat it? 10 hours? Wow.

Once the airline lost my bag…

…oh really, you can beat it? Lost 2 bags? Three? Lost your pet?

The only way to get a seat with any leg room at all is to promise them that in the event of a crash, you’ll pitch in and help everyone out.

These douchenuts went from having a pretty girl welcome you, hand you a pillow, a blanket, and a drink, to you being happy if you land somewhere within 3 hours of the time they said you would. They fly planes that don’t pass inspection and they’re planes are old as hell. I once reached into the pocket in front of me, and on the cover of the Sky Mall was a CD player- what the hell is that?

F these a-holes.

UPDATED: What the F is this?

What Sucks…Barbara Walters

Stop telling us all who you boned! It’s nasty, unbecoming, and in your case, shows a remarkable lack of respect for the dead!

The book is called “Audition”. (Everyone, all together with me now-) Audition? For what? Porn that takes place in the early 20th century? What are you trying to do? Be AARP’s first centerfold? No one needs a centerfold where the turn ons include “Long walks on the beach.” and “Ensure”.

Look at the reviews this thing is getting-

“A Great Read! Especially if you’re into old people telling you who they boned!”
- NY Times Book Review

“Walters blazed trails for women in TV, and now she’s blazing trails for magazines called ‘Over 140’!”
- The LA Times

“…Seriously, no one needs to picture her doing these things, and we’re ‘Naughty Grandma Monthly’.”
- Naughty Grandma Monthly

So you’ve screwed more Senators than campaign finance reform- is that what you want to be remembered for? What about being the first major female newswoman…who couldn’t pronounce the letter “r”? What about your legacy of bringing Lisa Ling, and Elizabeth Hasselbeck to TV? What about the endless employment you gave to Joy Behar?

What Sucks: Past, Present & Future

…What Sucked: The Trail of Tears

In 1838, 15,000 Cherokee Indians were forcibly moved from the lands they lived in- the Carolinas and Georgia- lands very much “westernized” through the building of roads, churches and schools- to western Indian Territory, (present day Oklahoma). Along the way, almost one third of them died from hunger, being exposed to the harsh weather, disease and exhaustion. Those who didn’t die- were in Oklahoma.



…What Sucks: Natural Disasters in Myanmar And China

While the number of dead officially stands in the area of 50,000, officials worry it could climb much, much higher when all is said and done as natural disasters have devastated Myanmar (formally Burma) and now China, which over the weekend experienced an earthquake that registered 7.9 on the Richter scale. What’s worse, aid in Myanmar is being delayed as the generals who control the country, squabble amongst themselves for power.




…What Will Suck: Sex And The City, The Movie

How many innocent men will be dragged to this horrible vag-fest when it opens in a few weeks? How many men will promise their girlfriend they’ll see this thing if their women in turn will let them go see the “The Hulk” or “Ironman” in peace? That’s the devil’s bargain and it shouldn’t be done. Take a look at this trailer- it’s been 4 years since we’ve seen these horrible people and they still haven’t learned the reason they don’t work in relationships is that they’re self-absorbed. Hey bitches, to get love, you have to give love! Ugh! I’d rather see a spot on my X-Ray than this thing!

What Sucks…These Mothers!

While you spent this weekend honoring your mom and giving her plants, WhatSucksBlog.com hopes no one raised a glass to these turkeys! Here are only a few of the moms out there who suck!



...Dina Lohan/ Kathy Hilton/ Lynn Spears

I'd rather have my kids raised by badgers than these three.



...Stalin's Mom

Spare the rod, spoil the child. Spare the rod as much as this chick did, spoil the homicidal dictator!



...Susan Smith

Her shitty-ness as a mom, rivaled only by how big a racist she was. Hallmark would have to hire Eli Roth if they wanted to make a card for her.



...Joyce Dahmer

You pretty much keep a low profile on this date, huh? Basically like the way Jewish people handle Christmas- go to the movies, maybe order some Chinese food.

What Sucks…Spacey And Peebles: Same Guy? A “What Sucks” Investigative Report

Are notorious shitty boss, Cosmo Spacely and chronic animal rights abuser Mr. Peebles the same guy? WhatSucksBlog.com is raising serious issues that may point to the answer being not only “yes”, but “fuck, yes”.

First off, the resemblance is uncanny. Look at them (pictured above) - who is on the left and who is on the right? Both have horrible comb-overs, both wear the same type of ties- (2 triangles sitting on top of each other), they have the same build, and are roughly the same age. The difference? Hair color and mustache type. (For the record, Spacely is on the left.)

As plain as can be said, Whatsucksblog now fully believes that Mr. Spacely, looking to drop out of the mainstream, “transformed” or “assumed” the identity of one Mr. Peebles. Hated for his obnoxious, miserly ways, one could speculate that Spacely changed his identity to that of Peebles in order to seek refuge from the spotlight and to avoid the infamy he so rightfully deserved.

While the transition may have been simple- to become Peebles, Spacely only had to die his hair brown and grow out his Hilter mustache, to bushy, near Leatherman from The Village People levels and change his turquoise tie and space-age collar for a turquoise sweater-vest, the result may have only delayed his inevitable recognition.

If true that the two are the same- and it appears that they are- the changeover lends credence to what this blog reported earlier this week…

What Sucks Flashback…Mr. Spacely



…that Spacely, whose brazen wearing of a Hitler mustache and constant lack of phone etiquette to his employees, especially George Jetson, by reinventing himself as a dealer and exploiter of rare animals- became and is in fact the most detestable cartoon character of all time.

This concludes a long and arduous process of tracking the ultra offensive Spacely AKA Peebles undertaken some time ago by this blog.

Someone PLEASE nominate me for a Webby already.

Spacely, as Peebles, illegally marking down a gorilla.

What Sucks Presents…Great Speeches If They Were Texts!